


It's Like That One Song

by kuonji



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Character Development, Gen, Humor, Team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-22 08:27:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7427545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuonji/pseuds/kuonji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a song from Earth that goes like this... one, two, three, four, five...</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Like That One Song

"He wants us to hunt him a unicorn?"

Daniel waved away Colonel O'Neill's interruption, trying to concentrate on what Beechus, a councilor of the local governing body, was saying. Even though he was speaking slowly and enunciating carefully for Daniel's benefit, Daniel was still losing one word in four. The SGC was darn lucky to have him, Daniel thought. How many people could translate spoken ancient Babylonian?

"You need us to capture a special animal?" he confirmed.

Beechus's lips twitched, and Daniel hoped he hadn't just mistakenly proposed marriage to his dog. But the man nodded and continued describing what he wished SG-1 to do, in exchange for rights to enter the private grounds within his city's walls.

"Single..." Daniel followed along. "Um, one animal? Uh, no, uh, one... Aha, the animal has one eye."

"Great," the Colonel huffed, sounding as if he were amused in spite of himself. "A unicorn and a cyclops. Should we find him a dragon while we're at it?"

"No! He's describing-- Sorry, Beechus. First? Aha, follow." Daniel automatically took a step forward as Beechus beckoned, only to be yanked back by a grip on his pack.

"Did he say where he wants to take us? And why?"

Daniel tugged away and was checked again. He threw an embarrassed look at Captain Carter -- Sam. Her eyebrows were up, but she didn't say anything to stop her CO from treating Daniel like a big dog on a short leash.

Jack raised an eyebrow of his own. Daniel knew by now that the Colonel wasn't about to budge on this. He heaved an internal sigh and faced Beechus with a smile.

"Where?" he asked. He concentrated on interpreting the answer. "Um, animal... hunt... follow, uh-huh, I know... huh? Oh! He's going to show us what he wants us to catch. I think it must be domesticated."

"We're going to be the lost pet animal control?" Jack asked sarcastically. He moved forward readily enough to take point in following Beechus, though, putting Daniel second. Teal'c was in back to 'watch their six' as they put it.

What they arrived at startled even Daniel to speechlessness.

"Holy..." he heard Sam mutter behind him.

It was a huge stable built of stone, housing four enormous animals that could only be the modern equivalent of wooly mammoths. Their dense black coats shone violet in the sun, and their desk-sized feet bore rudimentary claws.

"Those things eat meat?" Jack asked, fingering his M-16.

Daniel wasn't sure if it had been a rhetorical question, but he asked their host anyway because he wanted to know for himself.

Beechus looked sad. In answer, he told a brief tale that Daniel struggled to translate.

"I think the short answer is no. They're fed grain and vegetables. But in the wild" -- Jack's eyebrows shot up again, and he checked around them -- "they must eat meat too, because the one we're supposed to catch... it was injured in an accident, and it lost an eye and a horn -- oh, he must have said _tusk_." Daniel mentally slotted that word into his vocabulary.

"Anyway, it's gone mad and apparently... what?!" Daniel stopped to confirm, and Beechus nodded. "It's running loose and, uh..." he gulped, "it's eating people." It was his turn to check around them for rampaging animals.

He turned to Jack expecting to see grim wariness, irritation, anything but the blank disbelief there. Jack's lips quirked up slightly. "You've got to be kidding."

"What?"

Daniel looked to Sam for help. Her eyes were twinkling. Was this some military in-joke?

"Daniel," Sam said, "you basically just told us that we're looking for a one-eyed, one-horned, giant, purple people-eater."

It took Daniel several seconds. Then he groaned.

Beechus smiled in bemusement at the strange aliens and said something to the effect of, 'You are strange but happy people'. Daniel wasn't sure whether to apologize or thank him. He stumbled a reply somewhere in the middle that only made the councilman's grin grow wider.

"I do not understand," Teal'c said, breaking his customary silence, and Daniel was grateful to slip into a comfortable lecture tone as he addressed the Jaffa.

"There's a song on Earth..."

***

Sam wiped the prickling perspiration off her forehead again. She'd have to hit up Daniel for one of his handkerchiefs later. It was kind of funny having a guy on the team who had more hair than she did.

Right now they had to find this 'wizard' fellow. They -- Sam -- were convinced he was someone with advanced technology. Just _how_ advanced (and how willing to share) he was would figure greatly into the SGC's operating budget for the next fiscal year.

No pressure or anything. General. Sir.

"So can you help us? Please?"

The slight, darkly tanned child with red-brown hair and a sprinkle of freckles shifted from foot to foot. From what they had gathered, only a select few were allowed to visit the wizard. This child was a close relation to him, and hopefully young enough not to be overly suspicious of strangers.

Sam hoped his parents wouldn't show up too soon. Daniel and the Colonel were supposed to be distracting them, but Sam was still trying to hurry things along. Although she would never say so out loud, she wasn't too sure of the Colonel's ability to distract a person without something exploding.

"I'll give you candy," she offered the boy, out of sheer desperation. The boy frowned until she pulled out a chocolate bar and broke off a piece for him to try.

The boy's eyes brightened upon tasting it. "Yum!" he said.

"Yes! Yum. So where does your uncle live?"

The boy smiled and held out his hand for another piece of chocolate. "He's close to Turnip," he replied after she handed it over. "On Sesame."

Now they were getting somewhere. All east-west streets here were named after grains, north-south streets after vegetables.

"Great!" Sam squatted to look the boy in the eye. "Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?"

The moment the words were out of her mouth, Sam groaned. Both Teal'c and the boy looked at her quizzically.

"Please don't tell the guys I said that?" she implored Teal'c.

Teal'c's eyebrow rose. "If the explanation proves worthy," he returned. Sam exclaimed in mock-indignation.

***

"So... So you just have to sort of, whoa!, sort of weave a bit, and, and make sure to sway, evenly, and then... there!"

Jack narrowed his eyes behind his shades. His archaeologist had finally arrived at the opposite end of the Quyan's floating bridge. It had taken him four tries -- much to the Quyan's delight -- and he was dripping head to toe. Jack was glad that Daniel had removed his gear before taking a few not quite voluntary plunges into the lake water.

Unfortunately, this was the only (dry) way to the Quyan's island village.

The villagers offered to carry their gear across, which Jack agreed to. With Daniel across the way to keep an eye out and two days past of friendly negotiations, he figured why not. Being invited to their home was a big step towards a good supply of trinium.

Jack rubbed his hands together. It was time to try his luck.

In the end, Teal'c took a spill, Carter two as well, and Jack none at all. Looked like those circus skills classes from high school had stuck. Jack sauntered into the village, dry as a bone, with Quyans cheering him from left and right.

"How did you do it, sir?" Carter asked, still grumpily wiping lake water out of her hair.

Jack cut a look at Daniel, who was chatting with one of the local women. "It was easy. I just..." He whistled a bar of music. Daniel frowned, then turned to scowl ferociously at him. "We were _not_ walking like Egyptians!" he shouted. Jack tuned out the subsequent compare-and-contrast of Egyptians to South American culture. Carter didn't even pretend not to be laughing.

In the meantime, Teal'c was raising the Brow of Bemusement. Not to be confused with the Brow of Condescension, or the Brow of Promised Dismemberment. Water dripped serenely from his uniform. "I am unfamiliar with that tune," he intoned.

"Not your fault, T. It was before your time. I'll find you a copy when we get home."

***

The shaman appeared from his tent in a cape of bright red, a color Teal'c had not seen anywhere else in the nomadic troop. Perhaps it was a sacred color, or one denoting high rank. The shaman had also dyed his hands and feet scarlet, and red paint adorned his mouth, nose, and eyes.

The final effect was perhaps fearful to the people of the troop. Teal'c's companions, though, would probably call him 'clownish'. Despite their obvious amusement, they nevertheless received the shaman with the utmost respect.

The shaman spread his large, red-colored feet and opened his arms wide, revealing a bright yellow tunic underneath, like a beetle opening its carapace. He looked intently into each of their eyes. "Do you," he asked in a serious tone, "believe in magic?"

The other members of SG-1 were silent for long enough that Teal'c stepped in.

"We believe there are things which we cannot explain. Yet, our goal is to explore these mysteries in search of answers. Whether or not we meet this goal is immaterial, for it is the journey and not the destination that we seek."

The camp was silent as the shaman considered this.

Finally, he nodded, and he showed Teal'c a yellow-toothed grin. "Strangers of the standing water," he declared, "come feast with us!"

Teal'c bowed. Keeping his gaze respectfully on his host, he focused his attention on his teammates as he replied, "We will surely enjoy sharing a happy meal with you."

***

***

"We welcome... The Battler of the First Siege, Holder of the Golden Ferret, Winner of Lock Hardington, Traveler of the North Green, Crown-Holder of Exmelirot, Carrier of Mount Tas, First of Cantar, Rider of the Sea, Claric Monveria Boyle Rune Harton! Thirty-seven!"

Daniel sighed, too bored by now to even roll his eyes at the latest in a long line of introductions of various 'important' personages. That had been the last of the officials presiding over this party. This man had only half the titles and a third of the entourage that the head minister had commanded.

The crier on the front dais, apparently not even winded by his lengthy efforts, took Daniel's note from a young page. He frowned at it and seemed to question the page, who only shrugged and pointed backwards at Daniel's group.

Daniel caught the crier's eye and nodded firmly. He certainly didn't have enough titles to impress this crowd (not without making crap up, like some of these guys obviously did), so he'd gone for the simple route. Let them figure it out.

The man looked mystified and ready to argue, but his training must have come through, because he straightened his shoulders and boomed into the microphone, "We welcome... The Jackson! Five!"

Daniel winced, already hearing snickers from Sam beside him. He hadn't quite thought about how that would sound aloud.

"Tell me that was on purpose," Mitchell complained. "Because otherwise, this is just ridiculous."

"What?" Vala asked. "What's so funny? What is it?"

Fortunately, the manservant by the door was gesturing urgently for them to move forward. As they joined the party, he heard Teal'c explain to Vala, "There is a musical group of the Taur'i..."

  
END. 

**Author's Note:**

> For the first two decades of my life or so, I honestly thought that the song went, "One eyed, one horned, GIANT purple people-eater." It wasn't until I posted this story that I found out it was a FLYING purple people-eater. I never got around to rewriting this story to fit... Apologies!
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you enjoyed this story, you might try these:   
>      [Whatever You Say](http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/17842.html) (Stargate SG-1), by kuonji   
>      [Why Vala Carries A Curling Iron](http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/19270.html) (Stargate SG-1), by kuonji  
>      [G-Forces](http://community.livejournal.com/sga_flashfic/323832.html) (Stargate Atlantis), by kuonji  
> 


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